Recently acquired amusing stories, eMails, videos and pics

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Michael - G3UPA - said that...


"Of all the things I've lost in my life, I miss my mind the most.




Click here to see the latest Flat-Pack from Ikea

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."











The longest sentence known to man: "I do."



"OK, we know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?"




"If all is not lost, where the hell is it?"



"Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."



"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."



"Smash forehead on keyboard to continue....."

The Officer Says Anagrams Only in the USA Can a duck swim ?

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

Heard this one on Top Band ? A Loving Husband ? US Presidential Elections cancelled Flatulence explained

"When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane."

Do you have an Ear Infection ? Must be God!!! Senility The Mexican Maid

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease"

Women who know their place. Headlines from 2030? Liverpool Girls Having a bad day?

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

A Yorkshire farmer Bless me Father Short stories Talking Dog for Sale

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."






"I intend to live forever - so far, so good."



"Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Mona Lisa was framed."



If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.



"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."

Australian Gas Co. Myths about animals UK call centres ONLY

"Just because you think they're all out to get you, doesn't mean it's not true."



The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness
announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

( Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite )


Qantas Airlines - Repair Division Adopt a terrorist A Greek Boob

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, please raise my hand."



"He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument."

Click here if you like riddles Growing old gracefully? Depression . . What's that? You're using The WRONG Fuses!!!





"I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."


Paddy's Broken Leg



"A ' jiffy' is an actual unit of time equal to 1/100th of a second."




"Did you know, our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. "
Nor the hair inside them . . . .



[ New Medicine Cabinet ] [ Growing old disgracefully ] [ Best Divorce letter . . Ever ] [ Australia say's No ]

"I like sheep - its me and ewe baby"


[ Ireland declares War on France ] [ Snotty receptionist ] [ The wheels on the bus ]




"The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging."


Global Economic Map



"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing !!!"



Unhappy with your job?




Some amusing Church signs






"Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy!"





"and if things don't change soon they'll probably stay the same."





"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. It also seems to bear a very close resemblance to the first."






"A fool is a 27 story window-cleaner who steps back to admire his work."


Warning! Cancel your Credit Cards before you die!



A couple of non politically-correct ads



"February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon."


"Did you know that banging your head against a brick wall burns 150 calories per hour?"
(or spend an hour on 1933 after 22:30 for a similar head banging effect.)







"Whenever I read about the perils of drinking, I give up reading."


The Invention of Car Air Conditioning A letter to Dodgy Dave

"The trouble with political jokes is they usually get elected."