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A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea,
but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

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A young village girl started work at the chemist. She was very shy about selling condoms.
The owner, going on holiday, asked if she would run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling contraceptives.

"My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they say 310 for small, 320 for a medium one or 330 for large. The word condom is not used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in, and put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back, and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs"
She peeped through the door and spotted the yellow bucket. "Yes "!!!! she said " It's hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back, and give him £3.50......................He's the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

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Gotta love the Irish !

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering,
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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The shortest complete sentence in English . . . . "I am"

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The longest sentence known to man: . . . . "I do."

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Want some more dumb facts ?. Click this link

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .' The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

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Subject: Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.
Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked. 'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?' The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'
'Yes' whispered the small voice.
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?' 'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?' 'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...'ME.'

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus lifts the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his neck.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'

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Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself thank you.

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Paddy & Mick were trying to estimate the height of a flagpole. A builder walks past and asks what they are doing. They explain their problem. He says " that's simple fellas watch this" he unbolts the flagpole, lays it down and measures it.
Paddy turns to Mick and says "thick twat! we want to know the height not the feckin length!"

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A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks great for her age. On the way back to her house he thinks to himself 'mmmm I bet her daughter is hot'. When out of the blue she asks him if he would like a sportsmans double. Whats that? he asks
Its a mother and daughter 3 some she says. Wow yes please he says. So as they go through the front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts upstairs .......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Jen's friend Debbie complains she's got a sore throat. Jen says "when I've got a sore throat I give my husband a blow job & it makes it better". Next day Debbie comes in singing. Jen says, how did it go? Brilliant, says Debbie, but your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!!

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Subject: Paddy McCoy - you'll love him

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

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The Traffic Warden's funeral : -
As the coffin was being lowered, a voice from inside screamed.
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar lent forward sucking air through his teeth, and muttered
"Too late pal, I've finished the paperwork"

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Subject:: The 4th marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old woman because she had just married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and then a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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Subject: Tax Season.....

At the end of the financial year, the Tax Office sent a recently promoted employee to audit the books at the Launceston General Hospital .

While the auditor was checking the books, he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question ," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the Auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the quick answering CEO. "And what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax office at 30th June.and every year they send us a complete prick."

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Subject: Adult Scrabble

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.


People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my e-mail friends.

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Crocodiles in bungalows = All Mouth - No Ears & Nothing Upstairs   (Heard on 80mtrs describing M zero's)

Greek Restaurant Smoking Ban?

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Page updated 1st January 2013