Subject: Adopt a Terrorist
A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the
treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She received the following reply: -
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda
terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department
here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in
your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your
residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you
personally demanded in your letter of complaint!
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those
you so strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely
proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even
violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion)
this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman
form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka, over time. Just remember that it is all part of
'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern.
We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Minister of National Defense